


The Matchmaker

by jfolked



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Romance, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-15
Updated: 2005-08-17
Packaged: 2018-12-27 01:40:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12071073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jfolked/pseuds/jfolked
Summary: While helping his latest client woo the man of his dreams, Brian, a professional "fuck doctor" finds that his game doesn't quite work on Justin, the gossip columnist by whom he's intrigued. Loosely based in the motion pictureHitch.All characters and situations fromHitchare the property of Columbia Pictures, Overbrook Entertainment and others. No copyright infringement is intended.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

**A.N.** I was working in my other fics but my muse wouldn’t let me go on until I started this one. It’s been in my mind for a couple of months now, so I finally had to give in to the muse. After all she runs the show. Unbeta’d so any mistakes are completely mine. Reviews are always welcome and appreciated.

* * *

There’s one thing you have to understand about gay men. It is all about sex. How you do it, when you do it, how many times you do it and more important, who you do it with. Consequently, some will obsess about their lack of sex while others will obsess about their abundance of it. Some will call it sex and others will call it love, but those are just labels for the same act. Me, I prefer to call it fucking and let me say that I excel at fucking. It’s what I believe in. It is who I am. So why do I make my living helping boring average guys to find true love? Because I’m fucking good at it. That’s why. 

 

Let’s start reviewing some basic facts about my business. 

 

I am what you could call a professional matchmaker, although I like the nickname I’ve been given in Pittsburgh gay circle, the Fuck Doctor. They’ve given me that name because I can help any guy get lay or married, if that’s what they prefer, by the third “date.” I don’t provide the _I just want to get a trick_ service. I’m not a pimp. There are plenty of tricks to satisfy even the most hopeless cases. No, that would be a waste of my talents. You see, I’m an ad man, the best there is. Therefore, if some poor schmuck wants to believe that there is such a thing as love ever after and wants me to help him convince the object of his affections about that, then I’m their man. No one can sell as well as I do. I’m Brian Kinney for fucks sake. The King of Liberty Avenue. I can get any man I want. 

 

So when some of my fellow queers began to ask me for dating advice, (which is crazy because I almost never date, at least haven’t date in ages), I saw my opportunity to take a break from my everyday more boring career and at the same time give something back to the community. Not to mention that I make now in a week what I used to make in a month working for Ryder. Less work, more time to play, more money. Who say love isn’t grand? 

 

My business is based in some infallible Basic Principles. 

 

Every fag wants to find another fag. No matter what for. No man wakes up saying "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, he might say _"This is a really bad time for me,"_ or something like _"I just need some anonymous fuck,"_ or my personal favorite _"I'm really into my career right now."_

 

You believe that? Neither does he. You know why? 'Cause he's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for him. He doesn't need any anonymous fuck he needs a partner. And he may be into his career, but what he's really saying is _"Not interested, so fuck off,"_ or possibly _"Try harder, stupid,"_ but which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what you're saying isn’t coming out of your mouth. Of course he's going to lie to you! He's a nice person! He doesn't want to hurt your feelings! He’s not me. I could give a damn about hurting anyone’s feelings. What else is he going to say? Most likely you are not well hung or hot and have that invisible tattoo in your forehead that says **loser**. He doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful, unreachable man doesn't know what he wants until he sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open his eyes. 

 

My job is to create opportunities so that an average Joe can persuade an impossible man that he is the best thing out there. And that he, average queer, is exactly what impossible queer needs _and_ want.

 

So, basic principles in a nutshell, no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any queer has a chance to sweep any fag off his feet; he just needs the right broom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**“EMMETT HONEYCUTT’S BOYFRIEND CAUGHT WITH ONE OF HIS BODYGUARDS IN A GAY CLUB IN LONDON AND THEY WEREN’T DANCING. SEE PICTURES AND COMPLETE STORY ON PAGE FIVE. ”**

Fuck, that has to be the worst headline they have published in the newspaper forever. And to think it is of one of my stories. Poor Emmett. This is the fourth boyfriend in six months. How can someone with the looks, the money and the status have such bad luck with men? Well maybe he doesn’t have the brains. Whatever it is, this only proves my theory. Relationships are for people who are waiting for something better to come along. 

 

I used to be one of those fools who believe in love at first sight and fairy tale endings. But that was before I was burned too many times. Men will say anything just to fuck you. They would give you these typical pickup lines, like, _”I’m tired of fucking around and want to find someone special like you to live the rest of my life with.”_ Of course, they fail to mention that the rest of their lives last about two months. No. I’m through with that. That is why I don’t feel bad about my work. 

 

I’m a journalist and a fucking good one too. I specialize in the relationships of the rich and famous in the gay subculture of Pittsburgh. I follow and investigate assholes, like all of Emmett Honeycutt’s boyfriends and then when I catch them misbehaving, I unmasked then as the scoundrels they are. So in a way, I’m performing a service for my fellow fags. 

 

Granted, I rather be doing other things, like painting, creating enough Justin Taylor originals to be portrayed in every single house in the Pitts, but I can’t complain about my job. I make a nice living and still have time to paint when I feel like it. I have great friends, like Ethan and Chris and a wonderful family. 

 

So, who says I need a man to have a satisfying and fulfill life. I think that the man that can sweep me off my feet hasn’t been born or at least I haven’t met him yet. 

 

Uhm, another lead about this Fuck Doctor. I know that’s an urban legend. There is no such thing as the Fuck Doctor. But still, it seems to be a pretty strong legend in our circle. Maybe I should look into it. God knows Vance has been busting my ass about it for a while. If this guy really exists, I wonder how he is. I’m sure he would be like one of his supposed clients. A wanna be. Wanna be hot, wanna be interesting and wanna be well hung. Well see…


	2. The Matchmaker

**A.N.** Well, muse is on a roll. Unbeta’d because my beta Mandy is a little sick. Hope you get well soon. Thanks for the reviews. And updates for Don’t... and Love Potion are on their way.

* * *

“What?” Brian growled at whoever had the audacity of waking him up. 

 

“Uh, hello?” said the shaky voice through the phone. “I…I… um…” 

 

“You what? Forgot how to talk?” Brian impatience grew by the minute.

 

“I have this problem, and my friend told me you could help me.” Finally the man seemed to recuperate his ability to talk.

 

“Did this friend tell you about my fee?”

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Meet me at Saks tomorrow at two o’clock,” 

 

“Saks? Why there?” The man seemed utterly confused.

 

“Breeder’s territory is ideal for our rendezvous. Wouldn’t want to meet at Liberty Avenue. Too much gossip. And besides, they start selling the new Armani collection tomorrow. Kill two birds with the same stone.” Brian replied nonchalantly. 

 

“Oh, okay. My name is…”

 

“Don’t care, and don’t need to know yet.” Brian cut him off.

 

“How would you know what I look like?” The man queried.

 

“Believe me, I’ll know.” _‘You losers always look the same’_ He thought as he hung up the phone. 

 

Brian looked at the clock and saw that it was just 7:30 in the morning. Way to early to wake up, but he was awake nonetheless. 

 

“Well, I’ll hit the gym.” He said as he prepared to start what he thought would be an ordinary day. Just show how little he knew that it would be his last ordinary day for a while.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Next Day_

 

Justin entered the restaurant slightly flushed. He was a little late for his lunch with Ethan because his boss, Vance had been on his case again. He was about to ask the maitre-d if his friend had arrived when he saw the brunette signaling him from a table. 

 

“Hey.” He said greeting his friend as he seated in front of him. “I’m sorry I’m late but Vance was trying to convince me that it was in my best interest to go to NY, where Emmett Honeycutt is hiding from the world after being fucked up by yet another guy.”

 

“What did you tell him?” 

 

“That he could go and fuck himself. I just came back from London a week ago.” Justin said while perusing the menu. All the fight with Vance had made him hungry. More like starving to death, because, in reality, he was always hungry. “Enough about Vance. You said you had news so spill.” He demanded the brunette after they order their food. 

 

“I found him Jus.” Ethan said excited.

 

“You found who?” Justin asked dreading the answer he knew would come. He and Ethan had been friends since forever and even though he was a vary talented violinist, and smart, and handsome, he always managed to find the worst guys ever. It was like he had a magnet for bastards motherfuckers. 

 

“I found the one. He’s incredible, Jus.”

 

“Where did you meet him? “

 

“In Saks. He was buying a suit for his father. Isn’t that cute?”

 

“A suit, for his father? Did he tell you that or you just inferred it?” Justin inquired skeptically. 

 

“Well, he was ordering a suit from the last Armani collection and it was not for him. I know this because when the salesman asked him if he was going to try it he said that it wasn’t for him. Later when he talked to me he told me it was for his father.” Ethan replied.

 

“What size was the suit?”

 

“34, I think. Why?”

 

“Oh, Eth, you have to be more careful. I’ve told you this like a thousand times. A man buying a $3,000 dollars Armani suit in a size 34 for his father? No way, either he is married or has a partner, but he is not available. He lied just to fuck you. What’s his name? Maybe we can Google him.”

 

“Uh, Kip. Don’t know his last name.” Ethan answered.

 

“Please, please, tell me you didn’t sleep with him.” Justin asked concerned for his friend.

 

“No, I told you he is the one. He’s so caring and a gentleman. And we just met two hours ago. We have date next week though.” 

 

“Why next week?” 

 

“He was busy. He is a very busy man for what I could gather.” 

 

_’Yeah right, very busy with his partner I bet.’_ Justin said. “Just promise me that you’ll be careful. I don’t want you to get hurt again.” He implored the fiddler.

 

“I will, I promise. I don’t know how you can do it, Justin. Don’t you get lonely sometimes?” Ethan queried his best friend.

 

“Right now I’m fully concentrated in my career, so I don’t have time for relationships.” He replied matter-of-factly.

 

“I just wish you weren’t so stubborn. You are a great guy, smart, with beautiful feelings and extremely hot. You could have any man you want. I don’t want you to end up alone.”

 

“Being alone and safe is better than being accompanied and hurt.” The blond answered repeating to his friend what he said to himself every single night when he went to his incredible cold and lonely bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Saks Fifth Avenue_  
2:00 p.m.

 

Ted looked at his watch for the third time in the last minute. He was so anxious that he couldn’t stop fidgeting. He was about to call off the whole thing, but then decided that he needed to go through with it. He started perusing the clothes while he waited managing to drop at least four pieces of clothing and then making a mess between the pieces and their hangers until finally a one of the salesman came to put the clothes back where it belonged. 

 

Brian had been observing the whole episode. As a matter of fact he had arrived before the plain looking man and was just observing him. When he decided that the poor schmuck had had enough misery he came to his rescue.

 

“How long have you known him?” He asked the boring guy from behind scaring him.

 

“Hey, aren’t you Brian Kinney?” Ted answered with a question. To say he was surprise would be an understatement. 

 

Brian sighed. He always got the same reaction. One of the most important aspects of his business was the secrecy that surrounded his identity. All the men to whom he had provided his services knew that under no circumstances they were to reveal his name, even if they were making a referral. Of course, needless to say that every single one of them had always kept their word. They were too much in debt to Brian not to adhere to his wishes. Anyway, who would believe that the infamous Brian Kinney, Stud of Liberty was, in fact, the Matchmaker? No one.

 

“Who referred me?” 

 

“My friend, Michael Novotny.” He answered with a shy smile.

 

“Mikey, always trying to save the losers.” He whispered low enough so that the man couldn’t hear him.

 

“Oh. I’m Ted. Ted Schmidt.” 

 

“Well, Ted Schmidt. You still haven’t answered my question? How long have you known him?” Brian inquired why he started looking at the new suits. 

 

“About three years. I’m an accountant and my company, the company I work for manage his trust fund.” 

 

“What do you like about him?” 

 

“Well, uhm, first of all he is gorgeous, smart and a very proud gay man. I don’t know, I just feel we belong together. All this time, since I’ve known him, I have seen how he goes from one boyfriend to another, every one of them breaking his heart. And I just think that I could do a much better work taking care of him, loving him you know.” Ted answered with a sad gaze. 

 

“What made you decided to do this?” Brian asked looking directly at the man’s face for the first time since they met. 

 

“You know what it's like getting up every morning? Feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man. But, at the same time hoping that he still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you. Well, two days ago it was all over the news. Emmett last boyfriend was cheating on him with one of his bodyguards. And I know I can do much better than that.”

 

“Emmett as in Emmett Honeycutt, the heir?” Brian asked shocked.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Man, you couldn’t aim a little lower, could you?” Brian said shaking his head.

 

“Well if you think you can’t help me then let’s forget about it.” Ted said disappointed.

 

“Did I say that? There is no case that I can’t work with effectively. Learn this: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any other man off his feet; he just needs the right broom. So, let’s start the sweeping process, shall we.”

 

Brian’s mind was already working at full capacity. This was going to be without a doubt, one of his most challenging cases, but he was sure that it was completely attainable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Woody’s  
Later that day_

 

“Brian.” The black-haired man waved his friend from the pool table.

 

“Hey, Mikey.” Brian saluted his friends. “Where is that good for nothing of my cousin A.K.A. you loving husband or as I like to call him, the professor?”

 

“Ben, my loving husband is at home. He had a lecture to prepare for tomorrow. So, how did it go with Ted?” Michael asked curiously.

 

“Jesus Mikey, where do you find those losers?”

 

“Ted is not a loser; he’s just a little shy and insecure. He’s actually a very intelligent guy and fairly good-looking. He just needs some guidance.” 

 

“You do know who he’s trying to land? Emmett fucking Honeycutt.”

 

“Yeah, he’s been in love with him for ages.”

 

“Do you think you can help him?” Michael inquired.

 

“Am I the best fuck in the northern hemisphere?” Brian gave as an answer. 

 

“Yeah and also the most conceited.” Michael replied rolling his eyes. “When are you going to use your talents for yourself?” Michael asked, worried about his friend. Michael, Ben and Brian have been best friends since they were fourteen. Brian and Ben were cousins and when Brian was transferred to Michael’s school, the three of them became inseparable. When Ben and Michael informed Brian that they were in love he couldn’t be happier. Not because he believed in love, he had chosen not to do so many years ago, but because he loved them deeply and wanted them to be happy.

 

“I already use my talents for myself, Mikey.” Brian responded with a smirk.

 

“I don’t mean for fucking Brian. I mean…I still remember how, before I realized that I love Ben, we used to go out, came here and then to Babylon trying to find a trick. The chase, the hunt, the emphasis on the sex, it was fun at first, but then it became empty, meaningless. It was pathetic. Nothing compares with the feeling of security and completeness that comes only with having someone special in your life and your bed.” As Michael was delivering his speech an incredible hot guy passed by them, making him lose track of what he was saying. 

 

“Yeah really pathetic. Close your mouth Mikey before you start drooling all over the floor.” Brian said giving his friend a knowing look.

 

“That doesn’t mean that what I said is not true. You are not getting any younger. You’ll be thirty in a couple of months Brian. Aren’t you bored of this life?” 

 

“Like I’ll ever be tired of this.” Brian said looking around his kingdom.

 

“Well king Brian, this, your humble servant have to go to his humble home where his hot, hot, hot, husband awaits for him.” Michael said giving Brian a peck in the lips. 

 

Brian went to the bar, once that Michael left. He would never admit it but his friend have no idea how close to home he had hit with his words. Brian had been noticing for quite a while now that he was getting a little bored. Well, actually more than a little. It seemed to him that all the tricks were exactly the same. No one knew, but it has been a little more than a month since the last time he took someone to his loft. Yes, he had been getting his usual blowjobs at Babylon, but even those had decrease in numbers. The men were everyday more and more young, which meant in most cases, more and more dumb. What else is a twink supposed to talk about besides the newest Playstation game? 

 

Brian was immersed in his thought when he turned around and leaned against the bar. That’s when he saw him. The first man, well boy, to attract his attention in months. The blonde was seated in one of the few tables in the bar having a drink. Brian took his time in scrutinize the hot blonde. He looked young, very young, but something about his demeanor told Brian that he wasn’t completely a twink. For once he was dress impeccably, with a white dress shirt and gray tailored slacks. Expensive polished shoes and the most flattering reading glasses completed the look of a career-orientated man. It was obvious that he had come straight from his work place and that he had had a hard day. But behind all that, Brian could see an extremely hot and totally fuckable guy. Something about him just beckoned Brian.

 

“The blonde is having Beam, right?” Brian asked the bartender once he turned around to face him. The bartender nodded. “Serve me two just like he ordered.”

 

When the drinks were served, Brian took them and had almost reached the blonde’s table when another man beat him to it. Fortunately for Brian, he could cover behind one of the columns in the bar. He stayed there, wanting to hear the exchange between the two men.

 

“Don’t I know you from before?” Asked the man who approached the table and had brought a beer for the blonde.

 

Justin looked at him amazed. “Wow, you came with that one all by yourself? I didn’t know they were still using that one. Sorry pal, I’m not interested.” 

 

“You are really hot. I know we could have a wonderful time together.” The stranger carried on. 

 

“Listen, not interested. So, please, go and bother someone else.” Justin said starting to feel annoyed.

 

“I know what you think, but I’m not looking for a fuck. I’m tired of fucking around and I’m just looking for someone special to live the rest of my life with.” 

 

Justin sighed and rolled his eyes. “You got to be kidding me. Listen…” 

 

“Hey, sorry I’m late.” Brian cut the blonde off. Before the younger man could reply, Brian had leaned down and given a deep kiss to the very perplexed blonde. Brian broke the kiss and stood up. “Fuck off, he’s taken.” He snarled to the man as if the kiss wasn’t enough indication.

 

The man looked at the couple by the table. He knew that the brunette with hazel eyes was Brian Kinney and as far as he knew he had no attachment to anyone. He hesitated for a minute but then decided to leave.

 

“Thank you.” Justin said sincerely to Brian after the stranger left.

 

“There’s nothing to thank for. Totally my pleasure. I love to help those in need.” He replied with a smirk. “Although I’m not sure who needed more the help, you or the poor guy.” Brian wondered while seating in the chair across from the beautiful blonde. Now that he was close, he could see the blonde’s breathtaking eyes. He had plump luscious lips and what seemed to be the softer hair ever. Brian was tempted to let his fingers wander through it but manage to refrain. 

 

What was that quote that he had read sometime ago: _Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away._ That’s what the sight before him was, breathtaking. 

 

“Why would that guy need help, aside from needing new pickup lines?” Justin asked curiously.

 

“Well, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, now that I think about it, should that be your problem?” Brian asked rhetorically. 

 

”So life's kind of hard all around.” Justin uttered with his eyes fixed on the handsome brunette in front of him. 

 

”Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no tight shirt or pants, your hair is meticulously done not to evoke sexual thoughts, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a double Beam, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "fuck off" that you have stamped on your forehead.” Brian ended his analysis matter-of-factly.

 

“So, what you are trying to say is that it should be obvious to every guy that no one can pick me up?” Justin queried.

 

“No, a guy who was really interested in you could pick you up.” Brian responded coolly.

 

“And what such guy would have to do pick me up?” Justin inquired fascinated with the guy’s wit and originality.

 

“Well, uh…” Brian waited for the blonde to tell him his name.

 

“Justin. Justin Taylor.” The blonde said after having hesitated for a minute. 

 

“Well, Justin, the first thing that said man would have to do is find out your name. Then he would need to acknowledge the fact that crappy pickup lines and lies won’t do with you.” 

 

“Really and why is that?” He asked rimming his drink glass. Brian had to command himself to focus, but it was hard. Just like he was hard. First the kiss and then the blonde in a semi-flirt mood. A man can only take so much. 

 

“Because you are smart as hell and probably had been hurt too many times.”

 

“Okay, so that means that the guy is smart too and probably had hurt a lot of people in his time.” Justin uttered.

 

“Probably, but the guy would tell you that even though he couldn’t promise not to hurt you, he would make his absolutely best effort not to.” 

 

“Yes, but then I’ll have to tell the guy that I don’t believe in casual affairs and that I rather be alone that being in a non-conventional non-relation.”

 

“Well maybe the guy is tired of those kinds of relationships and wants something more. Maybe he had been waiting for you to come all along.” 

 

They remained silent for a couple of minutes just sizing each other. Justin thanked the powers that be that he was seated; otherwise he was sure that his knees would have failed him. The gaze of the brunette was so intense he could feel those beautiful hazel eyes burning through his soul. Brian started to feel the panic in the pit of his stomach. Those blue eyes were seeing directly into his inner self. He felt exposed and vulnerable. And he didn’t do exposed and vulnerable.

 

“But then again, since both you and the guy are so smart, you will see that it is better to leave things the way they are and that you should part ways. After all, why risk the stability and security that you have both worked so hard to achieve. Even if it would have been the best, hottest sex in the world, it’s not worthy.” Brian said as he stood up and started walking away form the table, leaving the blonde with his mouth hanging.


End file.
